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PostPosted: Fri Sep 13 2013 7:15 am 
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I hear that Countdown's Rachel Riley is in the new series of "Strictly Come Dancing"

I think she's just there to make up the numbers.....

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 25 2013 1:04 pm 
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Two English cooks at the Vatican (Mrs Tina Smith and Mrs Marge Brown) upset the new Pope on his first day in office, when they asked him "Does the Holy Father want a Full English breakfast?"
Apparently, annoyed by the Falklands situation and still smarting from the absence of either the Queen or the Prime Minister at his inauguration, the new Pope was reported to have replied, tersely...

"Don't fry for me, Marge and Tina..."

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 25 2013 1:05 pm 
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This wet weather is awful.

People keep coming into my house and throwing their wet umbrellas on the floor.

I've decided it's time I make a stand...

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PostPosted: Wed Nov 27 2013 8:39 am 
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Location: Marldon, Paignton, Devon
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says: "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says: "What's his name?"

Mick replies: "Miles, from London"

:mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03 2013 10:35 am 
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What do you call a feminist cheese?
Germaine Gruyere.
:doh:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03 2013 3:09 pm 
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Quote:
What do you call a feminist cheese?
Germaine Gruyere.
:doh:
(yellowcard) :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03 2013 4:34 pm 
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Location: Marldon, Paignton, Devon
Paddy and Mick went to London to find a sperm bank and donate for some extra money.

It was a total disaster!




Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!

:oops:

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".

:mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03 2013 5:08 pm 
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(yellowcard)

Ref talks to player concerned. "One more and you're off"

:twisted:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 03 2013 6:25 pm 
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Location: Marldon, Paignton, Devon
:mrgreen:

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed trying to get to sleep, but the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden next door.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"


Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 09 2013 5:57 pm 
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Now, I had this via text earlier, fanned it out to numerous HTFC fans with the message "dare I put it on the forum or will Ben ban me?"

Several said I should, I can give you their names Ben...

:twisted:

"I have bought my mate a Man Utd lamp for Christmas. It looks great in the middle of the table"

:twisted:

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PostPosted: Tue Dec 10 2013 7:17 am 
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Blackburn's DJ Campbell has confirmed that pending potential legal action will not keep him out of this weekend's 2-1 defeat at Millwall....

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13 2013 10:02 am 
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Location: Marldon, Paignton, Devon
A young Chinese couple get married.

She is a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

"My darring," he whispers, "I know dis you firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting juss anyting you want. You juss ask.
Whatchu want?" he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently and eagerly for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, "I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls... Nummaa 69."

More thoughtful silence but this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her..


"You want... Garric Chicken with corrifrowa?"

Image

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 13 2013 1:59 pm 
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Peter Pannu is on £19k pw at B*rm*ngh*m C*ty

Oh no, sorry, this thread is only for fictitious jokes...

:roll:

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18 2013 9:30 pm 
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'Retailers announce Red Wednesday'

Britain's retailers have announced plans for Red Wednesday in mid-January, the day when everyone realises just how much money they spent on tat they didn't need on Black Friday and Cyber Monday.
"Red Wednesday will be the day when British shoppers already burdened down with crippling debts attempt to cheer themselves up by rushing to the shops to buy more tat on credit cards already maxed out in December during all these stupid shopping days we keep making up", said an expert.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18 2013 9:45 pm 
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A poem entitled 'In memoriam - Car Tax Disc'.

So, farewell
Then Car Tax Disc

You are out
Of date, and
Will expire in
September 2014

I must make a
Note of that


(Sorry!) :-D

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 19 2013 12:44 pm 
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A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed – and the wife was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 28 2014 7:28 pm 
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Quote:
A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping centre was packed – and the wife was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. She became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the pub next door."
:clap2:


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 28 2014 7:30 pm 
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Q. Whats the fastest cake in the world?
A. Sc'g'one

Q. Whats the fastest milk in the world?
A. Past-ur-eyes (say it quick).


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PostPosted: Wed Feb 05 2014 7:13 pm 
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What d'you call an Egyptian Ruler covered in chocolate?

Pharoah Rocher

(I love the daft ones!)

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 06 2014 11:37 pm 
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Topical joke:
Dr Foster returns to Gloucester after a disastrous move to Somerset.
Said Dr Foster, "When I said I'd never go to Gloucester again, I didn't anticipate even bigger puddles in the West Country".

Well I thought it was funny! :-D

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PostPosted: Thu Feb 27 2014 5:08 pm 
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What is a penguin's favourite footwear?

Flipper-floppers

I love the daft ones ...

... and you'll never guess where I got that one from!

:roll: :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 31 2014 4:38 pm 
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I went to the local supermarket.
I said ‘I want to make a complaint; this vinegar’s got lumps in it’.
He said ‘Those are pickled onions’.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 21 2014 6:29 pm 
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The woes at Old Trafford!
https://fbcdn-video-a.akamaihd.net/hvid ... ae9a0bd9b0

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23 2014 12:22 pm 
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Jurgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the MUFC vacancy. But his brother Klippetty may be interested...

(I love the daft ones!)

:lol:

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PostPosted: Wed Apr 23 2014 6:52 pm 
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Location: Marldon, Paignton, Devon
Quote:
Jurgen Klopp has ruled himself out of the MUFC vacancy. But his brother Klippetty may be interested...
Image

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