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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01 2011 1:22 pm 
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Lots of other FC forums have a jokes section Image(and we did on the penultimate one), so it's time we did.... but KEEP THEM CLEAN please or they will be deleted

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01 2011 1:22 pm 
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A report says that 70% of 14-year old girls in Telford go binge-drinking every week.

That's terrible. Genuinely shocking.

I mean, who's looking after their kids?

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01 2011 6:33 pm 
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Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed 26 people up the rear end over the last 48 hours, reckon he is following a pattern.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01 2011 7:27 pm 
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I bought a Scouse Advent Calendar today, chocolates had already been nicked and the windows were all boarded up.


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 01 2011 10:15 pm 
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The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 7:22 am 
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Soup Dragon wrote:
The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


:mrgreen: :clap:

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 8:42 am 
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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 8:56 am 
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Glyn wrote:
Lots of other FC forums have a jokes section (and we did on the penultimate one), so it's time we did.... but KEEP THEM CLEAN please or they will be deleted



...and we have one as well now! Power to the People!! Image

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 9:48 am 
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Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 9:56 am 
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This man pushed me into a bag of peanuts, so I told the police - they asked me if I was assaulted - I said 'No - dry roasted!!!'

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 10:05 am 
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Q. How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to change a light bulb?

A. To get to the other side.

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 12:52 pm 
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... and still the funniest (clean) joke I've ever heard....

Two camels walking across the desert.

One says to the other: "I don't care what they say, I'm thirsty"

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 1:29 pm 
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Location: Perton , South Staffs obviously
Two tigers walking down the high street. One turns to the other and says, "It's a bit quiet today..."


Rubbish I know so I'll wait for the crimbo crackers before I make my next offering


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 2:37 pm 
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Perton Pitman wrote:

Rubbish I know so I'll wait for the crimbo crackers before I make my next offering



Okay - here you are then .. one Christmas cracker!!

Image

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 4:56 pm 
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I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays."

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 02 2011 4:58 pm 
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The price of hearing aids has gone up.
Deaf people across the country are going "how much?"

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 04 2011 7:14 pm 
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I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue and I couldn't put it down.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 04 2011 7:29 pm 
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Has someone bought you Tim Vine's joke book as an early Christmas present?

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 04 2011 7:31 pm 
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The Beerhunter wrote:
Has someone bought you Tim Vine's joke book as an early Christmas present?


Is there a punchline to that joke?
:lol:

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 05 2011 8:51 pm 
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I had Jehovahs Witnesses come to the door today, feeling in a good mood I invited them in, showed them into the living room and asked them if they would like a cup of tea. I put the kettle on and said "now what was it you wanted to talk to me about".
One of them looked me straight in the eyes and said "I haven't got a clue we've never got this far before".


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PostPosted: Thu Dec 08 2011 6:58 pm 
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Man UTD and Man City have joined forces to launch a new perfume for Christmas.
It's called Channel Number 5.

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 11 2011 7:38 pm 
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I know it's personal, but it's no-one any of us know personally……..

I laughed out loud when I heard the Stoke fans singing, 'Gareth Bale, he looks like a chimp', this afternoon.

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 12 2011 6:37 pm 
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"History repeats itself" - the slogan for The History Channel + 1.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 14 2011 10:45 am 
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A moth goes to an osteopath and says "I'm having a breakdown."
Osteopath says, "you should see a psychiatrist."
Moths says, "I was, but your light was on."

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PostPosted: Sun Dec 18 2011 10:26 am 
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The officials at Worksop - they were a joke! Albeit, a bad one……..

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05 2012 12:01 pm 
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Who's the only sober Geordie this morning?




Michael Carrick.....

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 05 2012 6:17 pm 
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Sir Alex Ferguson has reacted furiously to criticism of the Man U performance at Newcastle last night by putting Howard Webb on the transfer list....

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06 2012 5:42 pm 
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Glyn wrote:
Sir Alex Ferguson has reacted furiously to criticism of the Man U performance at Newcastle last night by putting Howard Webb on the transfer list....


Funny that - always topical!!

:roll:

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06 2012 5:43 pm 
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... and here's another topical one....


As a lorry driver in Essex stops for a red light, a blonde in her car pulls up alongside. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his lorry cab, and knocks on the door. The driver lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Sharon and you're losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the lorry stops for another red light, the girl again catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his cab, and knocks on the door. The guy lowers the window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Sharon and you ARE losing some of your load."

Shaking his head, the driver ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the lorry cab door.
The driver lowers the window again and she says, 'Hi, my name is Sharon and you really are losing some of your load!



When the light turns green, the driver revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of his lorry, and runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window and, as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin and I'm gritting the road."

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PostPosted: Mon Feb 06 2012 7:31 pm 
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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Paddy stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma' he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like me father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's troubled brown eyes and said, "Because yer father, yer grandfather and yer great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, ya f*k*n idiot!"

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PostPosted: Tue Feb 07 2012 8:39 am 
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Daz Hale on top form on WM this morning (and taking my mind off sliding along the roads, paths and drives of the good people of Brierley Hill and district....)

a) What was Long John Silver's favourite subject at school?

Algebraaaaaaaargh, Jim Lad.....

b) Did you see that documentary at the weekend about the smallest prison in the world? It's called Amoeba. It's only got one cell.....

:mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 04 2012 12:07 pm 
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A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 09 2012 10:28 am 
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Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.

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PostPosted: Mon Apr 09 2012 12:58 pm 
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Soup Dragon wrote:
Paddy's racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take it's shell off to reduce it's weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.


I've always loved the daft ones!

:mrgreen: :clap:

(Even when they have superfluous apostrophes in them :twisted: )

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PostPosted: Tue Apr 17 2012 9:58 am 
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Daz Hale on top form on WM again this morning (as a Wolves fan he has to laugh or he'd cry....)

"I have a friend who was an Ipswich fan, followed them home and away, but then he moved up here, and now he's got married he's lost interest....

.... does that make him an ex-tractor fan?"

:mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Mon May 07 2012 5:57 pm 
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Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

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PostPosted: Thu May 10 2012 11:26 am 
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The very witty (Wolves fan) Daz Hale on WM this morning:

"It's Emmerdale tonight, it's all about Zak Dingle isn't it, he's going bonkers.... but he still wouldn't appoint Terry Connor as Wolves Manager...."

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PostPosted: Fri May 18 2012 9:42 pm 
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Can't get your lizard up in the morning? you must have a reptile dysfunction


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PostPosted: Thu May 24 2012 1:11 pm 
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I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked.

The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.

I thought to myself, 'that guy's heading for a breakdown...'

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05 2012 8:34 am 
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Emile Heskey has joined Facebook.

He meant to join Twitter but he missed...

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PostPosted: Tue Jun 05 2012 2:17 pm 
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Didier Drogba's decision to leave Chelsea has resulted in the club releasing 4 medical staff, 2 stretcher bearers and a drama teacher.

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PostPosted: Thu Jun 14 2012 3:16 pm 
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A husband frantically calls the hotel management from his room, saying "Please come up fast .. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she will jump out the window of your hotel".

The manager responded, "I'm sorry Sir, but that's a personal matter”.

The husband replied: "No you idiot, the window won't open! That's a maintenance matter”

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. Now this is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. I want the person who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family present."

No one moved.

The preacher continued "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."

Again, all was quiet.

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke "Reverend, there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

:mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Sun Jun 17 2012 10:46 pm 
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Following the death of The Human Cannonball at the Kent Show a spokesman said"We will struggle to get another man of the same calibre"


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PostPosted: Wed Jun 20 2012 12:45 pm 
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Location: Marldon, Paignton, Devon
Little Billy and Lucy are only 12 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Lucy's father to ask him for her hand.
Billy bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith, me and Lucy are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you're only 12.. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies, "In Lucy's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay, then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Lucy."

Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our pocket money, Lucy gets five pounds a week and I get 8 pounds' that's about 52 pounds a month, so that should do us just fine."

Mr. Smith is impressed that Billy has put so much thought into this. "Well Billy, it seems like you have everything worked out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?"




Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, we've been lucky so far." :mrgreen:

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PostPosted: Fri Jun 29 2012 1:27 pm 
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The happiest memories of my childhood are of when Dad used to put me in a tyre and roll it downhill. They were Good Years

(unashamedly nicked from Daz Hale on Radio WM :mrgreen: )

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PostPosted: Wed Aug 15 2012 3:24 pm 
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Have you heard of the oomegooli bird?

To explain. Its a bird with no legs, that calls oomegooli, oomegooli each time it comes into land. :mrgreen:


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17 2012 1:47 pm 
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The boy stood on the burning deck.
Bygum he had a whopper.
Twice round his waist, once round his neck and up his a**e for a stopper


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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17 2012 1:54 pm 
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Glyn wrote:
Lots of other FC forums have a jokes section Image(and we did on the penultimate one), so it's time we did.... but KEEP THEM CLEAN please or they will be deleted


Hmmmm. We're getting dangerously close....

:evil:

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PostPosted: Fri Aug 17 2012 2:22 pm 
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Glyn wrote:
Glyn wrote:
Lots of other FC forums have a jokes section Image(and we did on the penultimate one), so it's time we did.... but KEEP THEM CLEAN please or they will be deleted


Hmmmm. We're getting dangerously close....

:evil:

A joke is a joke, in this case members can imagine what their brains want to imagine. remember NO SWEAR WORDS used. Its the way I tell em lol


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 19 2012 7:55 am 
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Especially for Glyn ...

Image :mrgreen:

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